im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
