the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My nipple is on Facebook.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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