If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
