If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
