After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
