I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
After last night, I could never be a politician.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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