I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
