Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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