so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I would ride that face into the sunset
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
