don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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