apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we're making bets on your personal life
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
