You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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