Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
