mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
