its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
