id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
