Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
