Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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