Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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