Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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