You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he was CRYING into my vagina
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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