Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
