So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
