this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
