i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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