I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
