I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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