Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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