My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
