It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
