my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So much rum. So many feels.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
