Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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