I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
