I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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