Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
