at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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