I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
