my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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