is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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