a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
