..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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