I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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