She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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