she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
