Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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