duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
