Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
