glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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