If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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