Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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