god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
