Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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