He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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