One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
