I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
