im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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