I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
